Just a bad dream…

It´s not funny, when bad things which you´ve already left behind, catch up with you again and again. Sometimes there is just a fleeting memory that knows how to put you into the moods, sometimes they send you bad dreams and give you “the blues”, leaving it up to you to find a save way out of it.

But, worst is, when bad dreams come true; when they become palpable and real. And when you have to realize, that such nightmares can quickly turn into worst reality.

In the beginning of last year, nice to say it´s been my birthday even, I experienced one such nightmare come true: I had to face the diagnosis cancer.

During the first days, and nights of course, I´ve had horrible nightmares. I couldn´t sleep and I can´t count the times I´ve wish I could wake up and see that all this was just a bad dream… But my personal nightmare didn´t show me that mercy. It put me through the whole litany of awfulness: surgery, chemo, and radio therapy…

It´s safe to say I´ve been going through a piece of hell – but:

I made it! I´ve beaten the beast!

And I´m damned proud of that!

Yet, still this sick little monster has power over me. Lurking in the shadows of after-care, it takes every opportunity to scare me.

I´ve been to MRT today. Second time this year. My doc thought it was better to check on this thing that sits where it doesn´t belong. And I´ve been cool all the days I had to wait for the MRT…

Until last night.

Angst comes creeping. But it settles quickly, first beside you on your sofa, and later it joins you in your bed and keeps you awake. Humming it´s scary, nasty song into your ear all night: “It´s back again, it´s back,…lalala…”

I only knew I´ve had the weight of a Rocky Mountain on my shoulders, when it finally tumbled down and I started breathing again: The doc told me everything is… JUST FINE!!! (Thans, doc!! You´ve made my day!)

( What´s there, is just some damaged tissue, caused by the radio therapy. Displeasing, yes. But not dangerous…- oh, screw it!)

Hurray! I am alive! And I´m free and so very happy! Again…


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